Nothing strikes fear in my heart like the first day of school...whew, I said it! I could never utter those words for over 33 years because as a parent I felt I needed to set a positive example. Well, those days are over and I can speak my mind now because all my little kiddies are all grown up.
Don't get me wrong I loved the excitement of getting new dresses...it was in the 50's remember with patten leather belts that were all made to fit a very round figure first and always needed to be taken up by extra holes punched in the belt by my Dad. I can still hear him sigh as we brought him all our pretty little pink, yellow, red, and blue shinny little belts! Hehe, thanks Dadddy!!! New shoes, pretty pencils, and shinny brightly colored notebooks were all very exciting and fun to pick out...but in the back of my mind fear would peer out from behind the over stocked school supply store racks.
Anyway, the fun part of getting all the new stuff aside, the new day of school jitters were a very real horrible fear for me. I can can still remember the bus seats that were so big and slick that it was hard to stay in my seat on those bumpy turns and stops while trying to keep my breakfast down...then walking into the school and down those super long crowded halls heart pounding walking into the class room as everyone looked up to see who just came in! I still dread walking into even the dentist office as everyone looks up to see who just entered...but there is no growing up and out of that experience.
So, there I am looking for a seat...putting my new stuff into the desk...sitting down with fear stirring my guts into mush as I try to size the teacher up as a nice person or a witch that wanted to make sure I hated the year. Fear and worry dominated my life as a kid with school, fear of failing and worry that I would fail were my constant companions. I still have bad dreams of forgetting a test or loosing my way trying to find my classes. I was so painfully shy for so many years, then my teen years hit! Ha, still shy for the most part but I got to the "who cares" state of mind and by graduation it had spilled over into my grades as well. But, I did graduate and at that point in my life decided my first days of school were over forever!
Funny thing...I can not remember any part of my second grade year except that I hated every minute of it. I can not remember anything past the door to that room. I truly do not have one memory to lay claim to that whole year of my life! What an amazing thing the mind is to wipe the slate clean of our most uncomfortable memories.
As I was walking through Walmart yesterday, with all the Mom's and Dad's last minute shopping for school supplies, my mind was thinking and reliving the pain of those first days of school every year and my heart felt for all those kids....wonder how many were like me with fear on their faces as they approach that first day of school yet again!
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